Letters From Earth
by 1SuperKawaii
Summary: Weyoun 9 takes a trip to Earth and reports his findings. Humor exercise.


Ok I know I should be doing something else with my time.

Letters From Earth

Weyoun 9 takes a trip to Earth.

Dear Founder,

It was so nice of everyone to send me on this trip. I was getting bored on that space station. I don't think I was getting on every ones nerves like Colonel Kira was saying, and I think such a lovely gift proves that. I could be of such use to you if you would just ask. I have so little to do and besides it was just a tiny explosion, nothing of any real consequence was damaged. But I'm sure you will have found something for me to do when I return. Perhaps I should resume my duties on Kurill Prime? They are currently without a leader. That is of course up to you.

It was a ridiculously long trip. The Federation really needs to do something about their warp drives and I really must file a complaint about my request for using a Jem'Hadar ship being denied. We got stuck twice and encountered the Klingon's. Rather exciting but not as restful as I was hoping.

It was like I expected. The humans are very primitive, and their technology is inferior to that of my own planet, still it's climate is similar to my own. Well, the first place I visited was an ancient and sacred city called Las Vegas. The place was filled with games of every sort. They boast that they have games from over six hundred planets. Such a waste of time, I did humor myself there for a bit. I looked over the females and while some were tempting, they were about as trustworthy as Ferengi.

It was nice to see that the humans haven't outlawed all of the enjoyable things. Still I can't seem to relax. It is my first vacation. I'm not sure what I should be doing. I consulted the brochures and had everything planned out but I really think I should consult someone more knowledgeable. I do so want to see what all the fuss is about. I shall have to treat this trip as a cultural exchange. There is so much to learn about these people.

I'm going to see a show offered at my hotel this evening. An old play of some sort called La Cage La Falls. It should prove entertaining. Tomorrow I will be leaving for San Francisco as the ambassador to K-Prime has set up a tour for me. This should prove useful.

-Weyoun

Dear founder,

I must say after seeing that show last night, humans have an odd sense of beauty. I may not have been born with much of a sense of aesthetics, and by the way thank you for adding a little to my genetic makeup. I am seeing things is a new way. But I must say the females were terribly unattractive, it might have been better to not have had that sense added. They sung and paraded about, it was slightly entertaining. I have seen many attractive females so I wonder why those were chosen instead. Who can say, humans tend to be predictable in these matters.

The humans will never understand how unlucky they are to not have me ruling their planet. I'm sure with some convincing they will see the light. Still I'm surprised Earth was chosen as the center of the Federation. It only has one moon. How odd. Vulcan seems much better suited for that task, much more efficient people.

I've seen the famed Academy. It's quite a set up. If they had put as much thought into their fleet as they did their facilities we might have reached an armistice sooner. Had we not been so congenial to end the war for their sake, what would have become of them?

You wouldn't believe the amount of languages spoken on this planet and I don't just mean from the visitors from other planets. More then the reports said. I'm very glad to have my translator. But the place is as divers as the space station. Would you believe I ran into a fellow Vorta going to the academy? Did anyone know about that? Seems inconceivable. Next they'll be a Founder there. What is the Universe coming to?

-Weyoun

Dear Founder,

I am in a City called Paris right now. Such an odd monument. I'm not sure what god it represents. It is said they are famed for their food and what lovely looking food it is, sadly though I can not taste any of the dishes. I am glad we did not annihilate the planet. It's most fascinating and I'm learning all about it's various cultures.

I was sitting in this park and it was crawling with children running wild everywhere. It's odd to see so many in one place. I asked a female if it was some type of holding area for the local breeding facility but she hit me with a carrying bag and walked off with what I believe to have been a male child. I don't know why she picked that one to take. It was making loud obnoxious noises and it's eyes were leaking. The humans would benefit greatly by our organizational skills with children, just look at how well the Jem'Hadar turn out.

You know I think I'm going to take a detour and visit Captain Sisko's father. He speaks so highly of his home town. Orleans is it? I shall have to contact him.

-Weyoun

Dear Founder,

My goodness so many people in one spot. There is a festival going on in Sisko's home city of New Orleans although Old Orleans would be a better name. The city is positively ancient and decayed. There are buildings here that are hundreds of years old, still in use, without a trace of metallic s walls or computer systems.

Anyhow I never imagined humans reveled so much. If you were to mix Riza and Quarks bar you still wouldn't get the level of debauchery I have witnessed. Females of all types, even ones in uniform, exposing themselves for cheaply made beads. I attempted to buy one of these loose females with a strand of these beads but that didn't go over so well. Apparently she was mated to a rather large male who I assumed was her owner so I offered to purchase her, he was not pleased. I was sure she was interested, although it seems she may have been intoxicated. I was almost apprehended by the local authorities but then my memory became a bit fuzzy.

For a moment I was wondering who I would alert to activate number ten. My trip to the hospital was quick despite the large amounts of humans who seemed to be suffering from some sort of poisoning. It was rather disgusting to watch. But no worries I'm just fine.

Joseph Sisco, the captains father, owns a restaurant. It seems the captain was raised on these large aquatic insects that are boiled. I was given the honor of cooking one of these things myself. Mr. Sisco doesn't like when I call him Dad. Everyone in this town is so hostile. Perhaps some of the white in the water system would calm everyone down.

-Weyoun


End file.
